Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
he was correct
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Venn
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.