Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
You Might Also Like
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.