Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
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valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale