ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !