ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

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In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!


The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.


I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.


Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin


Me- Want some?


Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs


I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*


I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly


I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”


*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*