me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
FRED: right
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this