Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me, in DM rooms…
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.