me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
pep talk
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The happy life.. 😊
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.