Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.