ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
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This guy’s not having it 😆
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
men are simple creatures
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality