Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
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[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.