ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
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Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.