me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
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wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.