Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
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me and my fake scenarios
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
They’re not wrong
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?