Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.