Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Perfect
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My teenage children choosing violence
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.