ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.