Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what