Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
This is why I hate group projects
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human