Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.