ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah