me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
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I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
War & Peace
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
No, YOUR illiterate.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside