Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
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*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
man i love columbo
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.