ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
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wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
LOL
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad