Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
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A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity