me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
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Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.