ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists