me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
The asteroid..
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline