Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
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7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*