ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
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. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
asking santa clause for nudes
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”