ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?