Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Customize Your Wedding.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
“and how does that make you feel?”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney