ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.