Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock