me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
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just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.