me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
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“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me driving through Toronto
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Employees must applaud the planets.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE