Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider