Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?