Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*