Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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And now we wait
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
mechanics be like
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.