Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.