Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
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I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
The “research” scene in every horror movie
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Is this you?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you