ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
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Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking