Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
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I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.