Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows