Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
True.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
my one true gender
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot