Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*