@caseytduncan
@mrtruthandsoul How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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@mrtruthandsoul 
@stephaniemain2 Who knew!
@Reverend_Scott American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
@Mister_Veritas ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
@asherperlman 
@aveuaskew If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
@GreeGreeHoist One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
@XplodingUnicorn 1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
@withanewname Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?