Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

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Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*


January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday


Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus


Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.


Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.


Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…


My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…


[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”



I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…