Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…