Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
nature’s most graceful animal
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back