@caseytduncan

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

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@mrtruthandsoul

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

@Mister_Veritas

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@GreeGreeHoist

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@withanewname

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?