Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes