Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
You Might Also Like
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹