Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.