Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
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A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”