Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
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Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1