@rebrafsim

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

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@chuuew

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

@Roweboat13G

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

@WittySassBasket

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

@causticbob

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

@st__arving

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

@theshantilly

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

@longwall26

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

@leeunkrich

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”