Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

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ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work


A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.


I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.


I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.


I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.


“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?


Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”


Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…


Him: No.


The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.


My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”