@chuuew ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
@rebrafsim Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
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@chuuew 
@Roweboat13G A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
@WittySassBasket I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
@causticbob I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
@st__arving I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
@ThisOneSayz “My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
@theshantilly Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
@longwall26 The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
@leeunkrich My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”