Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

Growing up was a huge mistake

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

ㅤ

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.